i have a webpage. whoopdeedoo.

ah, golf. such a great way to spend a sunny sunday. i enjoyed 7 gorgeous hours out on the links today, the first chance i've had to play all summer. now i'm not an atrocious player, but i'm not exactly what you'd call "good" either. the occasional ball is lost to the water, and several more are whacked mercilessly across the fairway while i curse like a sailor. but then there are those rare beauties. the ones that soar effortlessly through the sky in the perfect arc and land exactly where i'd hoped, allowing me to strut back to my cart like i own the course. man, do those feel good!

yep, i had a great day today. came away with a score card climbing too high to bother adding up, my left side noticeably pinker than the right, stiff arms, aching sides, and my personal favourite: a single golf glove tan.

i'm telling you, living this life of leisure sure is tiring! now i must go to bed, i strained my exhausted little arms lifting the salad tongs at dinner.

sometimes i like to talk as i fall asleep. i like how everything slowly turns to gibberish. it becomes harder and harder to concentrate and stay lucid. i'll say something completely nonsensical, sprouting from a bizarre pre-dream my mind is concocting, then hearing myself will briefly bring me back to reality and the realization that what i just said was just crazy sleep talk. "don't forget the third basket" or "why would the apples lie?" etc etc. followed inevitably by "sorry, nevermind, that doesn't make sense". i once actually carried on a conversation while fully asleep and unaware.

*gasp*"ohhhh....look at all the ponies!"
"which one is your favourite?"
"the blue one"
"are these real ponies or My Little Ponies?"
"they're REAL!!!"
then there was something about making pancakes.

my friend reminded me of another recent utterance: "why do i bother with love?" haha! she called it the sweetest and saddest thing she'd ever heard. oy....

anyway, once in this soporific stupor (possibly enhanced by drunkenness) i described my muddled thoughts as little wood shavings being scattered around by the gerbils running through my head. it made perfect sense to me, and i still feel it's an accurate analogy. stupid rambunctious gerbils making a mess of all my thoughts, no wonder i can't think straight!

i'm sleepy. i think i need a nap before the gerbils start to play.

after going to some lame movie that i didn't want to see, i try to salvage the evening.

how about beer and a couple games of pool? no, he hates pool. in fact, he tells me, he hates all forms of games. anything and everything remotely like a game, he hates. wtf? who hates games? "i know you like games a lot, but i figured i'd give you a chance anyway" oh yay... lucky me.

we go to a pub and he smuggles in some chicken he bought elsewhere. he proceeds to tear into it while i watch in disgust as his face gets greasier by the bite. shoving his mess to the side, he leans in toward me, baring his teeth and asking if he's got anything stuck. then he attempts a joke by yelling at the waitress that our table is filthy. i cringe.

he tells boring stories about puppies, sipping his diet coke, his dull pointless ramblings punctuated by lots of "golly gee"s and "oh boy"s. i drink my beer and glare.

walking home he asks if he can kiss me. i say i don't think so. he asks if he can see my feet. "nothing weird, i just want to look at them". what do you mean nothing weird; that is fucking weird. so no.

he apologizes, says he doesn't know how to act on a date. he really wants to meet a nice girl but gets so nervous and doesn't know how to be himself. he hates his job, he's made so many mistakes etc etc. he starts to cry and the night mercifully draws to its end.



okay, so that wasn't ONE date. that is a compilation of some of the worst moments on my worst dates. but they are all completely, utterly, and unfortunately, true.

thankfully, a few real gems of dates and a sense of humour keep me sane.

that's what you need to foucs on. sometimes you have to search, but you can always find something. the last week or so i haven't quite been myself. i've been letting some of the ugliness in this world get to me. people were cruel, life was unfair. i couldn't stop thinking about all that was sad and unjust. not only my personal life, but work can be draining as well. i hear about people's struggles to make ends meet and support their families, their depression, their debilitating diseases, their life changing accidents, their dying family, their stillborn babies. it can be hard to stay upbeat when i every day i speak to new people with new hardships.

so i look for the positives in a day, no matter how small. yesterday i got a thoughtful and unexpected text from a friend. a weird man in the village told me i sparkled. the vending machine gave me an extra dime! i had a few good laughs. someone thanked me for helping her.

i like my job. i do help people. i get thanked a lot actually. really sincere, overwhelming gratitude. and i've got such a great family, i'm so lucky to be so close to them. i've got unbelievable friends that are always there for me. these aren't little things. they're huge.

getting a free dime is just a bonus.

today i snapped. crumbled. broke down.

i've been good at not letting things get to me. i've straightened my back, brushed myself off, been the bigger person, let things go. i wasn't going to let a bunch of shitty experiences embitter me or crush my spirit. just be a good person amanda, it's okay, it'll be okay, life is good!

but today i felt defeated. i don't want to believe the best in people. i don't want to trust anyone. i don't want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt because they don't deserve it!!

i've been lied to, i've been slandered, i've been used, i've been betrayed. and what have i done? i forgave. WELL FUCK THAT! i'm tired of being nice and understanding. what has that gotten me? stomped on, taken advantage of, and hurt. where's the justice? why doesn't being a decent human being count for anything?

i've had enough. i crumbled today, but i'm back on my feet now. and the next person that steals from me, lies to me, tries to screw me over, or treats me with anything less than respect will get the retribution they deserve.

i'm still the same person. i still consider myself laid back and not easily rattled. i still take most things in stride. but i have my limits. and you'd be wise not to test them.

gave you guys a bit of a break, here's the note i wrote after the wedding...


Mazel Tov! - June 17

everyone should have the chance to experience a jewish wedding. weddings are always joyous occasions, but never have i been a part of something so enthusiastically celebratory as this wedding. my people know how to throw a party!

first of all, let me just say how stunning jennie looked. so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. shabi looked fantastic too. they were perfect: gorgeous, glowing, and in love.

the venue was spectacular, a lovely garden with candlelight, a little stream, an outdoor bar, and of course the huppah. first there was an hour or so of mingling as people arrived, various stations set up serving incredible appetizers. yum!

then the ceremony began. us siblings walked down the aisle and up under the hoopah first. then shabi and his parents. everyone clapped. then my parents led jennie to the start of the aisle. more clapping as shabi walked to greet her and put her veil down. the ceremony itself was pretty much all in hebrew, with myself, my brother, and my parents reading a few translations. we didn't really know what was going on, and when something was said to us in hebrew, we just gave a blank stare until it was translated. "psst, david, give them the ring" and so on.

the ring was placed on jennie's index finger. shabi stomped on the glass. Mazel tov, they were married!! we all hugged each other in congratulations, and after getting in two hugs, i suddenly noticed that the hoopah had been swarmed by the 200 plus guests. everyone was coming up to hug and kiss and congratulate and be blessed my the bride and groom!. it was chaos!! strangers and new extended family all wishing us mazel tov. how wonderful!

then the real party began. we all went indoors to the tables and dance floor. tons of food was on the tables, as well as bottles of water, juice, wine and a bottle of vodka on each table. after a little while, jennie and shabi entered. the room erupted in cheering and clapping and everyone flooded the dance floor. instant insanity! the girls gathered around jennie and the boys around shabi. each group was cheering and spinning and grabbing hands and dancing in circles. jennie and shabi were lifted on chairs, up! up! up! so much happiness bursting from everyone. not that subdued happiness of weddings back home, but vibrant, vocal, unrestrained happiness like i've never seen. we danced and danced, rushing in circles of the hora, everyone twirling and laughing. joy joy joy! no time to eat or drink, everyone was too busy celebrating.

there was a ridiculous amount of food. the appetizers before the ceremony, appetizers indoors, followed by a first course, then a main course, then desserts. it wasn't a formal sit down dinner. food was just placed on the tables, and you alternated between eating and dancing. i really only got about 5 minutes of sitting time before being beckoned back onto the dance floor. and i happily obliged.

so that was the wedding. constant dancing, laughing, eating, drinking, and exhilaration that wouldn't allow me to stop smiling. it was so festive, even the language barrier didn't matter. it was by far the best wedding i've ever been to. even now as i think back to it, i feel this overwhelming love wash over me.

that is how you have a wedding. that is how you celebrate love!!

i'm back, and i realized that although i posted a few notes on facebook, i never copied them here. and because i know some people are blog readers over facebook, i am going to add it here too. so here are the few notes that accumulated over the last month.

June 8: Israel - desert, dun, guns & boobs
shalom everyone! it's only been a couple of days but already winnipeg seems so long ago and far away. everything has been amazing so far. here's the summary:

arrived to glaring sun and 38 degree weather, woohoo!

we've spent some time with shabi's family, who were so wonderfully hospitable. when we arrived they had bottles of juice, water and platters of fresh fruit and cakes for us. we also had shabbat dinner with them which was a great experience. his parents don't speak english, but with all the smiles and kisses and handshakes, we all felt welcomed to the family.

yesterday was a busy day. we went on a hike through desert mountains in about 40 degree heat. luckily there was a beautiful waterfall and pool to swim and cool off in. Absolutely stunning! it was pretty awe-inspiring standing atop this jagged cliff, rust coloured mountains behind us, the dead sea stretched out below and the dry desert breeze gently blowing past.

after a lunch of challah and hummus, we headed down to the dead sea to cool ourselves. the rocks that line the shore have a crystalline coating of salt, at least an inch thick. everyone knows that you float in the dead sea, but experiencing it is truly something else. i mean, it's not just that you float, it's an effort to get your legs beneath you! so cool, just bobbing along. and the water is so oily you can see swirls in the sunlight. we found a good spot to dig up the coveted dead sea mud and smeared it all over ourselves. we were caked from neck to toe, mud monsters!! fun fun :)

anyhoo, i'll wrap this up now. plenty more for other days. oh, a couple of other observations. it's odd going through metal detectors and having your bag searched just to go into a mall. and seeing soldiers with huge machine guns everywhere from malls to cafes to the waterfalls (yep, dude with nothing more than his swim trunks and gun). and finally, all the girls in israel have huge boobs. i don't feel special at all, haha!

June 11 - and also...
a few other things i thought were worth mentioning:
unisex bathrooms seem quite popular. i wasn't sure what was going on at first when there was only one door with a "0" on it. luckily no urinals out in the open
most restaurants have guards at the doors. when your bill comes there are an extra few shekels for security fee.
nobody jay walks here!
that's it for now, more sightseeing and wedding stuff to come.

June 13 - the mikvah
(i know this is a long one, but it was too incredible an evening to skimp on words. please continue...)

the mikvah is a jewish tradition where the bride-to-be goes through a spiritual purification process. i've never been to one, so the whole thing was new to me. what a great experience!

jennie was given a whole big basket of toiletries because everything to be used for the cleansing is supposed to be new. she was also given some new pjs and clothes and shoes to wear after the mikvah (all in white). the room where it was all kept was strewn with dried rose petals.

my mom, shabi's mom and myself escorted jennie to the mikvah. the drive there we had georgian music blasting away and shabi's aunt who was driving us was clapping and singing and swirling her arms to the music. when we pulled up a group of women on the street realized we were on our way to a mikvah and they all rushed up to jennie to congratulate her and to be blessed by her. brides are considered purer and closer to god, and therefore people like to be blessed by them. it was very cool.

inside jennie was shown her private room where she was to shower, brush her teeth, trim her nails, etc etc. basically give herself a head to toe deep clean. after about an hour or so, she goes to the ritual bath. it is only her and the woman who oversees it and approves it. she steps in to a small pool, dunks herself underwater, says a blessing and dunks twice more.

during all this, my mom and i waited, members of shabi's family showing up (all women) as well. when she was finished, jennie walked out, wet haired, all shiny and clean and glowing, dressed in white satin pyjamas and white flip flops. all the women shouted and cheered; we threw candy at her and placed a flowered wreath on her head. babies were placed in her arms and all the women went up for kisses and blessings as they clapped and sang and danced. so much joy! my mom leaned over to me and said "it's like we're experiencing a different culture". "yeah," i replied, "and it's ours."

everyone then made their way to shabi's aunt's house for the party, mom and i escorting jennie back again. inside the house they had lively georgian music cranked up, and everyone was dancing. it was all georgian style with the hands and arms twisting and people joining hands, turning about and laughing.

and the food. holy shit, the food! they were actually piling plates on top of other plates. breads, cheese, olives, blintzes, pastries stuffed with various things, lasagnas, pizzas and probably things i'm forgetting. then came the desserts. cakes and meringues and chocolate nut clusters and cream fillled pastries and profiteroles and bowls and plates of cherries, figs, fruit fruit fruit and so many other things! the most amazing thing about this feast was that it was all homemade. ALL of it.

it was one of the happiest, most festive parties i've been to. i can't even imagine what the wedding will be like!

in 12 hours my plane will be taking off. israel here i come! i'm so excited for this trip, it's been years since i've had a holiday longer than a long weekend. and for perpetual traveler amanda, that's a hell of a long time to be settled.

i've been thinking about home and traveling lately. and this is what i've come up with: i love both. i can't wait for this month of escape from everyday life. i can't wait to see parts of the world that are new to me. i can't wait to celebrate jennie and shabi's marriage. i can't wait to feel the freedom that comes with leaving all you know behind.

yet i do love home. i love having my weekly dinners with my family. i love being surrounded by such amazing, constant friends. i love the potential that i see building here.

i'm chomping at the bit for this trip. i know it will be amazing. fun, exhilarating, spiritual, and inspiring. but coming home won't be bad. i have things to come back to. things already established, and things that are just beginning to grow.

there are risks in everything. i could get hit by a bus crossing the street. my plane could crash. i could have an unexpected allergic reaction to a bee sting. i could get blown up in a terrorist attack. any day could be my last! of course i don't want it to be, but i realized years ago that i would never hide away and miss out on life.

i believe that the world is a beautiful, good place, and if anything unforeseen should happen on this trip, i still believe that. no worries though, i'm sure everything will be fine, i'm not concerned in the slightest. i shall be back shortly, all the richer with my newest adventures!

i love you all :)

This one's for my aunt, who always asks why i don't write on here more.

lately, it's just because i've been so busy getting ready for the big trip. i am getting so excited! my heart is racing, my blood rushing, i am filled with such energy it's all i can do not to jump around whooping and hollering! today we dropped my sister off at the airport. her fiance left last week, now she's gone. that's two down. slowly, one by one, we are all departing; making our way to israel. and with each person that goes, it is closer to my turn. it reminds me of that song with the bears in the bed. "there were 10 in the bed and the little one said, Roll over! Roll over! so they all rolled over and one fell out, there were 9 in the bed and the little one said..." etc etc.

at the airport, we followed our family's usual traditions. first we grabbed some Tim Horton's coffees and sat down to chat and laugh. then we all huddled outside the departure area in a group hug, followed by individual hugs. but that's not the end of the goodbyes. we stand on our side of the rope and watch as jennie goes through security, waving every time she looks back. she clears security, waves to us again, and heads toward the gate. still, we are not finished. at the other end of the terminal, we stand at the top of the staircase and watch across the baggage area, through the glass windows to the gate area. jennie appears and we all wave to each other. we carry on like this for about 10 minutes, waving, doing little dances, and miming out stupid things like paddling a canoe, going down an elevator etc. it's all so ridiculous and drawn out. we laugh till our faces hurt, and then, finally, we turn and head out.

it's silly and cheesy and dorky. and i love it.

the attraction. the excitement. the longing. the denial. the forgetting. the reconnection. the rush of desire. the flirtation. the build up. the anticipation...

the kiss.

the disappointment.

just like most people, i've had my share of crushes. from my first crush in grade one to the present day. they usually go unrequited, as i pine from afar. but on a few occasions, i've been surprised by a long delayed materialization of these passions. and while the first thought that runs through my head is "oh my god, i'm kissing so-and-so", the end result is usually a let down. that's it? all that yearning for that? i guess it's inevitable when you have someone on a pedestal simply by reasons of aesthetics and superficial charm.

i suppose it's still gratifying in a way. and it puts it all in perspective.

but i know the good kisses. there's still the anticipation and the tension. but it's driven by more than just lust. there's another connection. and it's not something i can put my finger on. but those kisses... wow... those are the ones that make your heart pound.

i didn't think it would come to this, i always maintained hope that it would find its way back to me on its own. when i first noticed it was missing i thought nothing of it. it'll turn up, i thought. but after several loads of laundry and still no sock, i began to get concerned. i searched my closet and the laundry room but found nothing. how is this possible? where had it gone? why didn't i take its disappearance seriously from the start? now it's out there somewhere, cold and alone. i hope it's okay. i just want it to come back unharmed and in one piece. it was always such a dependable sock... while all my other socks wore down or got snagged on a nail in my floor, this one remained strong and unbroken!

went to edmonton for a long weekend. there was no reason except to get out of the city for a bit, forget about everything and enjoy the open road.

beef jerky, potato chips and coffee: road trip breakfast of champions. got lost leaving Saskatoon, totally missed our turn as we were too busy playing games. after about 30 mins, i commented "i wouldn't mind seeing a sign saying highway 16 soon" and david mentioned that he hadn't noticed any semis on this road. Hmm.... Turned around and headed back, and got on the right road. haha, we laughed, silly us!

edmonton was great. found a dingy motel, right next to a large sign warning us it was a "high theft area". our door took a bit of maneuvering to close, looking like it had been busted in a few times. haha, we laughed, what a terrible place!

edmonton activities:
- shopping. about 12 hours worth. credit card saw a lot of action. feet ached.
- waterpark. slides, wave pool, tubes. so much fun.
- visiting friends i haven't seen in years. fantastic to catch up! wish i had more time
- playing poker for several hours. 2nd place both times, damn!!
- wearing our new hats and pretending to be cowboys. yes, we're nerds.

and back on the road for another 13 or so hours. more beef jerky, more coffee. got lost in saskatoon once again, this time totally not our fault. who would think that "Circle Rd" dead ends? we followed it expecting it to take us around the city, but instead it changed into some weiny little back road. WHAT KIND OF CIRCLE IS THAT?? we contemplated buying a map, but decided against it. who needs maps? not these two cowpokes!

finally got back to the city around midnight, exhausted and delirious... and not wanting to step foot in a mall or look at beef jerky for a very long time!

i posted this yesterday on facebook, but i think it's kinda funny, so i'm posting here too. yeah, that's right, i just arrogantly proclaimed myself to be funny. whatcha gonna do about it?

i should probably stop eating expired food. one of these days i'll pay the price.

opened the fridge to check out the dire food situation. wow, nothing. but i'm starving and safeway is all the way across the street. surely i can make do with the odds and ends before me.

two eggs: expired 10 days ago. totally close enough.
cheese: still good!
pepperoni: hmm, expiry date rubbed off, can't even remember when i bought it... but it seems fine.
canned olives: i don't think they ever go bad.

whip up a little omelet. could use some sort of condiment on the side. no ketchup, no salsa. what else could i try?

dollop of sour cream: expired 9 days ago. perfectly fine, no green fuzz.
blob of bbq sauce: expired a month ago. whatever, as if bbq sauce expires, i just plain old don't believe them.

seems like a somewhat odd combination of things, but it all tastes good. i am reminded of an episode of friends when joey eats rachel's meaty dessert trifle. if you like all the ingredients separately, why not together? i think that's how my tastebuds work. after all, i used to pour milk on my toast and maple syrup on my french fries.

so far no signs of impending vomit or dysentery. i think i have a pretty tough stomach. safe again, ergo no lesson learned!