i have a webpage. whoopdeedoo.

 

for auntie beryl

who always read my blog, even when it was boring.

 

i just came back from dinner with my family and had lots of fun playing with my little neice. i can't believe she's almost a year old! seems like just the other day she was coming home, swaddled tight in her blanket, an adorable 5 pound 10 ounce burrito. i'm pretty new at being an aunt, but luckily i had a great role model. from what i can tell, being an aunt means that i'll love little naomi and she'll love me; i'll help take care of her and watch her as she grows up; i'll spend time with her and give her treats she doesn't get from mom and dad, and she'll tell me things she won't tell them. we'll have that magical combination of familial love and easygoing friendship. i get to be that grown up that's cool because... well... because i'm not the parent!

 

i used to go for sleepovers at auntie beryl's when i was a kid. my cousin is just a bit older than me, so we would hang out sometimes, and sleepovers meant that we could stay up later and play board games or calecovision. and there was always something exciting about sleeping away from home, in a bed that wasn't mine. i guess it made me feel like a big kid, even though i brought my stuffed animals to hug at night. i had a terrible nightmare once and woke up sobbing. good thing auntie beryl came in to calm me down and make it better.

 

later on, when the 14 month age gap made my cousin too cool for me, i still went to visit, i just spent the time hanging out with auntie beryl instead. she was so easy and fun to talk with. and she let me have vanilla ice cream with kahlua, how cool!

 

once, having caught my brother de-wedgying himself, she asked if he was going to a show. "what?" he asked, not understanding. "no...." then the punchline: "cause you're picking your seat!" hahaha, david and i still giggle over that one. although my favourite auntie beryl line is still the one i first heard about 25 years ago (yikes, that long??): "So...." i drawl, not going anywhere in particular. "buttons on ice cream," she finishes. i give a confused look. "sew buttons on ice cream and watch them melt off". ha! i like that one. way cooler than "hey is for horses". to this day, i have been heard to interject the buttons-on-ice-cream line on occasion.

 

in the winter time, as christmas starts to close in and decorations go up, i always think of auntie beryl. we used to drive around the neighborhoods looking at all the beautiful lights. some streets really went all out; it's like the neighbors were in cahoots. they had a reputation to uphold! they couldn't disappoint their fans, as we drove along slowly, oohing and aahing at the colours twinkling on the eaves and in the trees. yes, the place to be on christmas was definitely auntie beryl's house. the piles and piles of delicious food! meatballs, creamed peas, stuffing, ham... ooh, ham!! auntie beryl could always count on her little jewish neice amanda gobbling up a plateful of that amazing ham. yep, once a year; oh, how i looked forward to it! and even with all the kids, grandkids and us moochy nieces and nephew coming by, i always felt welcome and wanted.

 

you may think that auntie beryl is gone, but she isn't. she is still hanging on, fighting. she is a tough cookie! and although this is just a snapshot, i didn't want to wait to write about what a fantastic person she is and express how much i love her and how she has touched my life. i hope i can be just as wonderful an aunt to naomi as she has been to me.

 

hello strangers.

 

what's happened to me? when did i become so boring? i work my monday to friday, 8-4 job. i come home and tell my boyfriend about my uneventful day. i have dinner with the girls once a month and we talk about work, their babies and other grownup things. i routinely go to pub quiz where we routinely lose. i do crosswords, i watch tv, i indulge in a few beers, i complain that i've put on a few pounds. i grumble about the constantly empty coffee pot in the employee kitchen. i look forward to weekends. i work overtime to rack up additional vacation days. then i check my vacation leave balance, rubbing my hands together greedily at the sight of all my hoarded holidays. they just sit there, accumulating nicely but going nowhere. i like to think of planning a trip, but then it never seems like i have enough time. one week? i can't go anywhere good in just a week. two? three? it's never enough time for my daydreamed travels.

 

the other day i got a nice new haircut and colour. the greys were gone, my hair shone and bounced with health and youth! i went shopping and bought some new jeans and a gorgeous blue coat that i adore. oh how vibrant and stylish i felt! while getting changed, i stared at myself in the mirror. hips and thighs were no longer held svelte by the form flattering denim; blue sophistication now hung from the coat hook. this body in front of me... it wasn't mine. the inward curve at the waist was less pronounced, the belly not as hard, everything looked a bit softer and squishier than it should be. this was the body of a 30-something, not me.

 

oh wait. i AM a 30-something. that is indeed my reflection staring out at me with disappointment.

 

 

 

i started writing this several weeks ago. it's just taken me a while to publish it. so i'm 33; it happens. i have a steady job, i live with my boyfriend and i hang out with my friends. that isn't so bad! i've got a week of holidays coming up this summer, and although i'm not going anywhere exotic, i'm very much looking forward to relaxing, camping and just enjoying the time off. in terms of perking up my sad doppelganger in the mirror, i ride my bike and i've rejoined kickboxing to get into better shape. i'm not succumbing to monotony or stagnancy yet!!

the other day while watching some junky tv, i saw a commercial for a show called Repo Man, or something to that effect. the ad itself was unmemorable and left me with no desire to waste any time watching it. but with a flash, it resurrected long forgotten memories of my days as a repo girl.

1995: innocent 18 year old amanda arrives in new zealand ready for adventure, armed with not much more than a backpack and work permit. i met some girls in the hostel and we decided to rent a room in a house together while looking for jobs. i scoured the classifieds and pounded the pavement, walkiing into every little restaurant and bar i passed. but i was fresh out of high school with no experience other than taco bell. i did of course embellish my work history with entirely ficticious jobs, knowing my references would never be checked. i got a few shifts in the kitchen at a late night cafe, until they told me i didn't make the nachos fast enough. i got a shift at a pub, until they found out i was underage. i got half a shift at some hoity toity restaurant but was quickly tossed out when i dropped a plate. and a smattering of other inconsistent odd jobs.

so when my landlord offered me $30 to go with him on a repo run, i jumped at it. all i had to do was tolerate the creep for a one way ride and then drive his car back so he could take the repossessed vehicle. it was easy money. i never saw too much of the actual repossessing as i usually parked several cars back so as not to be detected. sometimes it went off without a hitch, a few times there was yelling and cursing and doors slamming. once something was thrown at him and he went nuts kicking at their door. little me just stayed motionless with the car doors locked. the rides out were no better. between his sleazy sexual innuendo and his enraged expletive filled rants (about anything and everything), i was beginning to think it might not be worth the $30 a pop.

luckily i didn't have to do it for too long. eventually i got a job at a nearby hotel and was more than happy to take the 6am shifts if it meant not needing to work for my cuckoo landlord anymore. i ignored his filthy and inappropriate comments on the few occasions we crossed paths, and tried to shut out the screaming matches and threats of violence between him and his equally wacko girfriend. it was a terribly unpleasant place to live, but super cheap and just blocks from my work!

of course, it improved greatly after we killed him.

but that's a story for another day.

the wasps... the wasps have taken over the bathroom.

 

i open the door a crack and cautiously peek in. my heart is pounding as my eyes scan the room, first glance revealing nothing. the window seems clear, and there's nothing crawling on the mirror. slowly i inch closer to the sink and turn my gaze upward to check under the light. the wasps often get up there, but you can't see them unless you get close. clear; no wasps. but the window... the venetian blinds cover the upper half, i don't know if anything is behind them or not. i look up to the ceiling fan: their point of entry. no movement. i edge imperceptibly towards the window, silent, breath held, heart pounding. i'm one step into the bathroom, which is one step too far away from the safety of the door. closer... eyes darting back to the ceiling fan, remembering the terror of the other night when i witnessed two wasps drop from it into the room. slowly, i begin to crouch down in order to peer behind the blinds. please... please let it be clear. oh god, there's two of them, dopily crawling around near the top of the window. i back out of the washroom, shutting the door behind me.

 

ok, not too bad. they were looking pretty docile, probably almost dead anyway. how to finish them off so i can use the bathroom without fear? we don't have any wasp spray or bug killer of any kind in the house, and i'm not brave enough to try and smoosh them with a paper towel. that crunch... BLECK! so once more into battle, armed with a bottle of windex and a boxed up photo album for squishing. again, i slowly open the door and check around to ascertain the enemy's location. one of them is too high on the window, but the other one is within spraying distance. so i quietly raise my weapon, aim, and blast it with windex. it wriggles and struggles and falls to the sill. windex windex windex! suddenly, BZZZZ!!! a huge wasp drops down from the fan, flies past me and starts bumping against the mirror.

 

of course i screamed and ran out, slamming the door behind me. the bathroom is under seige. i'm paranoid now too. i keep seeing things fly by out of the corner of my eye. or feel something crawling on me. or shh - did you hear that buzzing?? i sit here at the computer, windex bottle at my side, box abandonned on the other side of the door, heart still racing.

 

and i really need to use the bathroom!

 

hey, i have something to write about!

 

i got a new job, yahoo!!! it's not permanent, it's just an acting assignment until the end of November, but still, it's a few steps up from my old position. i'm now a quality assurance advisor and i'm on the tech line to help staff with their questions. i'm not sure how many people applied for the position, but i'm pretty sure there were about 10 of us doing the testing. not too sure why i was chosen, but i was completely surprised and very happy! i feel so proud. it totally makes me feel like i've accomplished something. i'm good at my job!

 

although at the moment i still sort of feel like i'm a kid playing at being an adult. dressing in mommy's shoes and hats and pretending that i'm so very big and grown up!

 

oh blog, how i neglect thee!

 

it's because i'm boring you know. i never have anything clever or witty or remotely interesting to say. i used to be a barrel of laughs, what happened!? i think it's just a lack of time available for indulging and cultivating my imagination. i have a 15 minute break in which i grab a coffee, spend 10 minutes on the phone arranging a car inspection so i can end my lease, and then no time for amusing bloggery. i'm already 2 minutes over my break time, such insolence!

 

i wanted to try and pump some life into you, blog... but no time! just a quick jolt with the paddles to get your heart beating and off i go again. i will drop by soon and try to rescue you from the ICU

 

today i hate work. so repetitive. same same same, every day. i'm annoyed at the fact that people who have been here way less time than me and who definitely aren't any better than me, get to do more than me. there's no point in calling the help line because i know just as much as the person who answers. i've mentioned that i'm interested in doing more - being on the tech line, shadowing new staff etc - but oh no, nothing comes of it. i'm frustrated. this phone cord may as well be an iron chain shackling me to this desk.

 

3 minutes left of my afternoon break so not much time.

 

i've been neglecting my blog lately, not really sure why. peru was awesome, wish i'd written more. i didn't even keep up to date in my journal; i'll regret that later.

 

job interview tomorrow. i'm nervous. still need to prepare some of my answers... cross your fingers for me.

 

blair is moving in with me july 1st. big step, hope all goes well. sometimes i worry about making big changes like that. i mean, everything is good, maybe we shouldn't mess with it. but too late now. and i suppose it's the natural progression of things. cross more fingers for me.

 

break is over. 

 

 

i'm going to peru in three weeks. that's right, hitting the ol' dusty trail. grabbing the backpack and being a traveller once more. only for 2 and a half weeks, but still. yippee!! no time to chit chat though, i gotta read my guidebook, surf some recommended websites, and do laps around the living room deciding which of the two pairs of hiking shoes i want to keep.

 

there are a lot of very overweight people these days, and i admit i have no idea what it would be like to be in their shoes. perhaps i just don't understand how very difficult the simplest of exercises might be for them. but when i see a 300 lb individual taking the elevator down one level, i feel no sympathy for them. i actually feel a bit of disdain. take the stairs for god's sake, it's only one floor! that little bit of exercise would certainly help. put in some effort. one flight! yeesh. you could even try walking UP one flight of stairs on occasion. maybe you'd lose a pound or two and eventually those 30 steps wouldn't be so daunting. is it that strenuous, or are you just lazy?

 

am i insensitive and rude? possibly. do i have a valid point? i think most definitely.

 

we go about our daily routines, grumbling about work or the weather or money or people. we forget how precious and tenuous life is.

 

we had an emergency meeting today to tell us that one of our co-workers had passed away suddenly on the weekend. i just spoke to him on friday, our normal banter that i always enjoyed. he was a very nice man, always calm, always friendly. and now, without warning, he's gone. i'm thinking about all that i have to be grateful for. most of all, all the wonderful people in my life. i have a wonderful family, terrific friends, an amazing boyfriend. so much love.

 

my mind is bouncing around, not really settling on one thought. just fragments. i'm thinking of the day michael died. i'm thinking of my mom. i'm thinking of stupid arguments with my dad. i'm thinking of the future with blair. i'm thinking about the life forming in my sister's womb.

 

people touch our lives in so many ways. sadly, it often takes the lack of their presence to appreciate it.

 

so tomorrow is st paddy's day. i really don't care. oh yay, let's dress in green an drink green beer and get trashed!! wooooooo! why does everyone make such a big deal about this holiday? even if you're not remotely irish! but no no, everyone is suddenly all about the emerald isle and celebrating the splendors of alcohol. stupid. hey, i like booze just as much as the next person (probably more) but i feel irritated by this stupid holiday of dancing leprechauns and novelty hats and inebriated morons shouting to some "i'm 1/64th irish, this is MY DAY!!" bullshit.

 

actually, i think i just feel irritated in general. i don't want to talk to anyone. and given my foul mood, i doubt anyone would enjoy talking to me.

 

not all the crying i hear is bad. yesterday i spoke to someone for nearly an hour who was crying in gratitude for all the help i gave. today i came in and there was a bouquet of flowers on my desk. a thank you from the person i'd spoken to, who had then talked to my supervisor to tell her what a wonderful job i'd done. it made my day. yep, it's times like this when i love my job and i know i'm doing something really valuable.

 

back on the phones i go :)

 

ugh, this is such a miserable time of year to have my job. working for employment insurance can be trying enough at any time of year, but at christmas time... yowza, a whole new level of awful. don't get me wrong, i like my job, but it's hard when i have to tell people that they don't qualify for benefits, or they've used up all their weeks, or for whatever reason we just ain't paying them anymore. there's yelling, there's tears, there's despair. not fun.

 

so you can imagine what it's like around now, when people are desperate for money, waiting waiting waiting, hoping they get a payment in time for the holidays. and here i am, the heartless voice of "the man" on the other end of the phone, telling them that no, probably won't being seeing a cheque for christmas. i hate it. it's not all bad news. i've been very helpful to many people who thank me for doing so much for them and wishing me wonderful holidays. that warms the heart. the ones that yell don't bother me too much. they want to take their anger out on me, it's not personal. i don't feel much anxiety over them. but the weepers... those are the killer calls. i offer my sympathies and apologies, but i hang up feeling sad and drained.

 

on the up side, having this job makes me grateful to have all that i do have. not just a secure job, but my health and the health of my family too. that's a hell of a lot more than some people have.

 

there's a new boy in the picture. i quite like him. he's the one that i wrote my unenthusiastic "first dates" entry about. i went in with no expectations, almost irritation at having to go through all those dating motions. but we got along so i saw him again. and then again. and again. and suddenly i was seeing him all the time. i don't even know what precipitated the change. where was the tipping point? oh well, who knows and what does it matter! we have fun, we have good conversations, he plays trivia games with me and makes me dinners. plus, he isn't an older divorced man with children, so hurrah! yep, he seems... normal. but not BORING normal. i feel so bad rereading my note about our first date!

 

so that's my news. i'll let you know if he turns out to be a nutcase with mommy issues or something.

 

it's been a while, and i have nothing too interesting to report. i just got message emailed to me, reminding me of some extra training i have to attend on saturday morning. Boo! i think it's safe to say i will have absolutely no desire to come in to a 4 hour meeting about IT stuff, first thing on the weekend. yuck. on the upside, i suppose the 9am meeting will keep me from behaving badly on friday night. maybe i won't need the extra incentive to be good, but it can't hurt to have it as backup.

 

well, break is almost over, i think i'll read a few pages of my book before getting back on the phones. "a short history of progress"... quite interesting.